For me, getting pregnant is like flapping my arms really really fast and flying; no matter how hard I flap and how much I want to it just doesn’t happen.
For the past 4 years I’ve been flapping those arms as hard and fast as I possibly can, but I always end up with the same results: my feet planted firmly on the ground. Did you catch that euphemism?!? As I watch family and friends expand their family with ease, I can’t help but feel jealous and depressed. I know women whom it seems all they have to do is look at a man and they wind up pregnant, and then there’s me. I watch these women with their babies and it feels like a gaping hole growing wider in the pit of my stomach. I scream, I cry, I cover up my sadness with a smile and bury the envy with food.
I’ve been to several doctors and they have the same story. “Amber, you are very capable of conceiving, we see no reason why you can’t. It’s all about the timing…” Sometimes I wish they would just tell me it’s impossible so I could begin to “get over it.” That seems like it would be easier than trying and constantly being disappointed when I test and don’t get the desired results. Of course, I know it’s not easy – and I know I’m not the only one going through this situation (nor am I worse off than anyone else.) I just try to find justification in the whole situation.
I recently turned 30 and with the new age came a bout of depression along with 30 pounds of dread. As women age, the extent of our fertility decreases, our egg supply dwindles, and our hopes of extending our family follows suit. This is the natural order although there’s no set age at when fertility goes out the window. Today was day 3 of my cycle so I was finally able to use the 1st Response Fertility Test that was sent to me. I was expecting the worst case scenario, which for me would have been elevated FSH levels. This is what I got instead:
According to the test, my FSH levels are normal. In this case, normal is good – exceedingly good in fact. What normal means in this case is I really do have hope (and eggs!). Something else that came out of this test was realization. I realized I have to stop obsessing over getting pregnant and get back to living my life. I have lost some very precious moments with my son because I’ve felt incomplete. I have been lost in my own head, with my own loneliness that I never stopped to see that I’m not alone, and I have the best gift any woman could ask for. I have a beautiful son who means the world to me, and he does complete me. If it’s meant to be, we’ll bring home the baby I’ve been wanting for so long, but if it doesn’t I’ll still have the best thing that ever happened to me.