The Hardest Thing

2 Flares 2 Flares ×

September 9th I got the best news imaginable – a positive pregnancy test! I was beyond excited. My hands were shaking and I wanted to scream the news from the rooftops. I decided to keep it to myself though, with my history and being high risk I knew there was a chance the pregnancy wouldn’t be viable. I only told one person and that’s my friend who took me to the doctor. Go in thinking you have a UTI come out pregnant – awesome!

September 13th I went for my first ultrasound. Hearing that heartbeat was such an amazing experience. It was like that missing piece of my soul fell into place. Does that make sense? My hands were shaking from the excitement and I dropped my ultrasound printout in the water fountain. They laughed at me and told me it happens a bit. They gave me a disc with the images so I could print them out and share with everyone. I still hadn’t told anyone. Ultrasound

At home I put up a good front. drank with John but while he was drinking alcohol I was drinking OJ and grenadine ;). “Oops, I have my period” was an excuse I used to get out of doing the deed because I was terrified something would happen to the baby. I guess you could say I was overprotective.

Then the night before John broke up with me I decided it was time to tell him. I wanted to wake him up and tell him right then but I decided to wait until the next morning. I put together a box with a note explaining my weird behavior and how much I love him and, uh, congrats! you’re going to be a dad again. Instead he told me he didn’t love me and left.

I never did give him the box or tell him about the baby. I couldn’t. I refused to be one of those girls who traps a guy into staying. I was determined to do this on my own. So I kept my secret. Until October 12th when I started to bleed. I hadn’t been able to hold any food down for a week and had made an appointment with the doctor. But I was so scared I went to the Emergency Care center that Saturday. The labs came back with my progesterone level being greatly depleted. The vaginal ultrasound was unable to detect a heartbeat. Then he apologized and told me the baby was gone. Just like that. If I had been a couple weeks further there might have been a chance; but I was only 10 weeks.

It was a missed miscarriage and I opted to take the “watch and wait” method as opposed to a D&C. I just wasn’t ready to let go yet. I went to the doctor on the 15th and they tried the Fetal Heart Rate Monitor. Still no heartbeat. They gave me Misoprostol and I went home to go through labor. Alone. On the bathroom floor. I can’t explain how painful – emotionally and physically – that was. To know I was all alone through this.

10 weeks is how long I carried this miracle inside of me. 10 weeks is how long I felt whole and complete. Then in just 2 weeks my entire world was torn apart. Now I live with the reality that I killed my baby. I wasn’t strong enough to disregard the stress and pain from being cheated on and lied to. I wasn’t strong enough for my baby and I killed it. How does one live with that fact?

Comments

  1. anon says

    There is nothing I can say to make this easier except ive been where you are. 12 babies I lost all at 10 weeks or later. I say this as my daughter is destroying my living room. I was told i couldnt have kids. What they should have said was “you cant have the perfect family” her dad left shortly before she was born. You will always blame yourself. You will be a stress bag through any pregnancy. It will never be easy. BUT (before you thank me for my cynicism) when you do have a child, adoption, surrogacy, natural whatever, you will cherish that child just a teensy bit more that the mom who got pregnant first time by sitting on a chair. I cherish mine because it was tough, it was painful and there was nothing i did to cause the loss of the other pregnancies. I wish you happiness and healing.

  2. Kathryn Cooper says

    You need to realize that you Did Not kill your baby!I will pray that someday you can believe that.It was simply not meant to be.Sorry for this horrible Loss .God will be with you through this if you let him,he will heal you and he will be the man that mortal men cannot.That is a promise but you must do your part and let him.

  3. Susan says

    No words can bring the comfort you need. But so many women have gone through the same thing. I’ve had several miscarriages and it’s painful. I’ve had someone walk out on me like that too. I know your pain and we all suffer with you. Take care in knowing you’re not alone. The only thing that got me through my five miscarriages was knowing this, Jesus loved me. Someone really loved me and understood the pain and hurt I was feeling. No that no matter what happens He loves you and has that baby in His loving arms (and he’ll kick that ass in the butt too) You didn’t kill your baby. Miscarriages are very common. I used to wonder if I did anything wrong. But there wasn’t anything I did. You’re blaming yourself because you don’t know who else to blame at this point. But don’t be so hard on yourself. The Bible says there are untimely deaths. This was one of them. Deaths happen. This was happened at a very bad time.

  4. crystal lane says

    I also went through the same thing the only difference the doctor did not give me an option to wait it out and see.She just took my levels for like 2 weeks and did vaginal ultrasounds and said we gotta do a dc and e.I felt the same way like I killed my baby but then I read up on it and felt better after a month of severe depression and smoking cigarettes and weed and drinking alcohol to try and ease the pain.I still feel hurt.But I was in a similar situation where the dad didnt want the baby.He left me completely alone.Thank god for my mom.But you didnt do anything wrong.I have since had 2 more beautiful girls.

  5. Nancy Dadey says

    For the first 12 weeks or so the babys hormones are what keeps it inside of you, if it had anything to do with you you would still be preggers because you wanted that baby and were going to give it a loving home. Think of all the women who get preggers and dont want their babies and they still have them, or what about the women who abuse their bodies in so many ways and still give birth to babies against all the odds. maybe John wasn’t meant to be a father at least not at this time maybe he is the reason for your miss. start preparing not so when you get pg and it lasts into the time when your body takes over and caries the burden of pregnancy you will be 100% ready

    • Nancy Dadey says

      I didn’t mean to imply that if you had a miscarriage after 12 weeks it was your fault there are many reasons for miscarriage and if you have a specific number like 3 or 4 your doctor should do some tests to find out why you keep having misses

  6. Tiffany says

    You didn’t kill that baby, I promise!! I went through what you’re going through and I promise that you didn’t have a thing to do with it.
    Hugs.

  7. Michelle says

    Don’t blame yourself! Miscarriages are far more common than people like to let on. Still kind of taboo, because they leave us with such raw, open wounds of missing a little one we never knew. I lost two. I still cry. Over how my body betrayed me. Over how this supposed safe haven was unable to keep my little ones safe and growing. I was about 5-6 weeks along, but we already knew. And that was our baby. My hubby had told everyone. He was so overjoyed. Then the next day, I was at work and started having stomach pains. They got worse, as I finished cleaning up and headed home. He had a big work related thing that night, and I didn’t want to ruin it for him. Told him I wouldn’t be able to make it, as I wasn’t feeling well. He was pretty upset with me. I cried on the bathroom floor through what I now realize was contractions. I didn’t know much about miscarriages at the time. Didn’t know I should have gone to the ER. Felt I had to go to the bathroom, so I went. And flushed. Then realized I had just flushed the tiniest being–part of me–down the toilet. To make matters worse, I missed the call from the doctor on Monday to congratulate me on the positive blood work confirming pregnancy. Managed to get the call on Tuesday only to say that I was pretty sure I had lost the little one. Heartbroken, I had to go to see the doctor to have it confirmed. I cried and cried. For months. Somehow, mother’s day was the day it would hit me hardest. The reminder that I was a mother before I had a little one to show for it. Before I had my own little one to hold in my arms. The doctor’s words of “there was probably something wrong with the fetus” merely left merely left my heart aching more. It was no consolation to me. It took us over a year of serious trying and heartbreak as each cycle came around before we got our “sticky bean” who is now 5. Our second took almost no effort, but I still think about those two. Were they boys or girls? What kinds of personalities would they have had? They are still my treasures, and I love them having never “known” them. Give your little one a name. Pick out a piece of jewelry with baby’s birth stone. Remember your little one and help others to know that it happens. A lot. No, you didn’t do it; it isn’t your fault. BUT you WILL remember this little one for the rest of your life. Give yourself time to heal; time to grieve. Let yourself cry as much as you need to. Then one day, while you may feel a little guilty for being able to feel a little normal again, it will happen. Your heart will heal; it will have grown to give room to that little one. Expect denial, anger, blame, wanting to bargain for that little one’s life; then will come acceptance as you are ready to move on. Time. It allows for healing and grieving. Praying for you! <3

  8. Jackie says

    You did not kill your baby! I lost a child over 20 years ago, I made it to 5 months and started bleeding heavily and went into labor. He was born but only lived 30 minutes.

    For years I played the horrible mind games with myself that you are doing now. “Maybe if I ate more vegetables” “I should have been drinking more milk” “That day I was tired, I should have taken a nap instead of vacuuming the living room.” We all do it when this happens. We see ourselves as the vessel carrying the baby and when something tragic happens it must be our fault. This is not always true.

    I (and I’m sure you did too) did everything I was suppose to. It just happens no one knows why. Not even the doctor when I asked what he thought went wrong.

    Please stop beating yourself up and take the time start healing.

  9. Rachel says

    You didn’t kill your baby! Please, don’t tell yourself that! You aren’t alone in your grief, and moms that weren’t under the stress you were under lose their babies, too. I’m so sorry for your loss:(

  10. Fidiya says

    I’m right there with you! Our time line is almost identical. I know I conceived on Aug 18th, had a positive pregnancy test on Sept 14th, started spotting on Oct 15th, and am bleeding heavier by the day. I’m pretty sure I’m miscarrying like last time (in May this year). I waited it out then, and I’m waiting it out now. It’s nothing you’ve done or not done. Nothing you could’ve done or avoided to prevent a miscarriage. It’s just not meant to be. Take time to grieve, but realize that you are living and can bring lives into the world still. Your rainbow baby will come, someday.

  11. says

    Awww Honey you did not kill your baby.I at first thought I killed my angel baby my ex husband name is John too he was abusive to me but I did the best I could for me and my unborn.I left John about 4 or 5 days after our baby died I could not take the abuse anymore.My angel baby would be 16 years old now.

  12. Jenny says

    Oh honey, I am so sorry. You didn’t kill your baby. You loved that baby and for 10 weeks you protected it and gave it a home. I am so sorry for your loss and everything you are going through!

  13. Jodi Goins says

    oh please dont say you “killed your baby”.you did no such thing.please know in your heart,(i believe in God,i do not know your faith,and i do not want to push my faith onto you,but please believe in a higher power) and know that your higher power has a greater and better plan for your baby!! your baby is now your guardian angel and is looking over you and guiding you through your tough times,while laughing and playing with other baby angels.
    Myself lost twins 17 years ago,i was 17 at the time.I was so excited but so scared at the same time! i was 12 weeks along i wondered why i was so big,i have always been a small person.then to go to the doctor for the first ultra sound and to be told your are having twins but neither has a heart beat.My mom lost it.I really was still lost at the fact i was pregnant and then to hear twins then to hear neither is alive!! then 2 years later i miscarried again.was told that i would prolly never be able to carry a baby.i went on to have a baby boy,then 2 years later i had a baby girl at 33 1/2 weeks,leaving her at the hospital for 2 weeks,we went every day to visit and love her.she is now 12 yrs old and healthy as could be.then 5 years later i was pregnant with my youngest baby boy.i would gush blood i went to 4 different hospitals and to my own doctors.they all told me he would not make it.he is now 8 years old health and wild as a buck..so please know that God or your higher power has a plan and you are following the path that you life is laid out for you!! if you would like to chat please feel free to find me on facebook same name as here and i am a fan of your page..i send a big tight hug to you.

  14. brenda says

    Listen beloved you have so much love to give a baby that I felt your pain at losing your baby and the love of the one who gave it to you.Know this Everything happens for a reason for what our human eyes don’t see God’s infinite ones do .You will bring life forth and with someone who will worship the ground you walk on and love you ever so tenderly for giving him a baby so just know that there is a sadness we all in life expeirance but joy comes in the morning

  15. Becca Atchley-Harrison says

    I am so sorry that you are going through such a painful and difficult time, but I don’t think it was your inability to handle it that “killed your baby” I am by far, more a spiritual than a religious person, but I believe that the powers that be have a greater plan for each of us and sometimes it isn’t until long after we have endured these events which are so painful at times we feel as though we will never survive them… that we realize that the “evolution of the big picture” was unfolding and in your case, it simply wasn’t the right time for this particular soul or event to enter into your life. An ending is a beginning misunderstood, the baby you are waiting for and eager to welcome will find you in time, and when it does, it will undoubtedly be someone far more worthy of this miraculous event than your ex. Grieve, then look for the blessing hidden in this loss, even the worst days have their value, if you put them into proper perspective. Don’t blame yourself whatever you do, you are going through enough already with out blaming yourself for something you truly DID NOT have control over. Love yourself through this, be your own best friend…what would you tell someone else in this situation who blamed themselves? Would you tell them they were at fault? No, honestly, you would not…so start practicing what you would have been preaching, and listen to that voice and tell the other one to be quiet. Focus on getting healthy, healing emotionally, mentally and physically, letting go, maybe get some therapy through your local women’s center…do something constructive and positive with your time and before you know it, you will be holding that baby in your arms with a man standing beside you looking down upon the two of you with his eyes filled with pride and love for you both…and you will know then, that all of this was just part of bringing the right man and the child you were suppose to have together into your life…and this pregnancy wasn’t in it’s best interest. Take care of yourself, Sweetheart, and be kind to yourself, too. Much love always, Becca

  16. Ashley says

    I can understand your guilt, i felt that too when I didn’t understand why it happened, but the truth is that this early on these things just happen. It is unimaginably awful but it is not something you did. ANY doctor will tell you that. You will move on, and that pain will lessen, not go away, but become tolerable. My husband and I tried to conceive again for 2 years after my miscarriage before I got pregnant and that whole time I felt like another version of myself. I get that feeling of emptiness and loss. You imagined an entirely new future for yourself in this short time frame and that doesn’t just go away, its a loss of that future. But you will move on, you will find joy again and you will have a new future just a bright and full of hope as you imagined. Just allow yourself to grieve but don’t get lost in it. You did not do this to your baby, it has nothing to do with anything you did. As someone who has come out the other side of this loss, you can get through this and you will be ok. There is Hope for your future so don’t let go of that.

  17. says

    Please do not blame yourself for this! I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks the first time I was pregnant. I know it’s easy to feel guilty, but please don’t do that to yourself.

    Miscarriages that early aren’t really preventable – we just hope and pray that things will be fine until the second trimester when the risk goes way down. There is nothing you could have done to prevent it.

    I am so sorry you are having to deal with this – and all alone too. :( *HUGE HUGS*

  18. says

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Please don’t blame yourself. 15- 20% of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage. If unhappiness or depression or being in a crappy relationship was miscarriage-inducing, practically nobody would ever bear a child. Having vague feelings that “something is wrong” is common but sometimes they just happen out of the blue. Give your child a name, pray for them, and forgive yourself.

  19. Natosha Zachary says

    Oh sweetheart, I am SO sorry. There are really no words than to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  20. Rebecca says

    Reading this made me cry :-( I am so sorry for your loss. As Jeannette said, you did NOT cause this!! Pardon my language but Shit happens, and life is unfair. You don’t even know if it was stress that caused it, but if it were, that is certainly something you can not control!! I’ve had more than my fair share of stress, especially when it comes to men, to know that it is very hard to keep control. I have personally not figured out how to after 28 years of living. I simply live life now as if it was meant to be it would of happened, and right now it was not meant to be. No matter how much you wanted it, it was just not your time. I do believe though, that you will find someone better, and when you do, it will be the right time. It will be more blissful than you could of ever imagined!! Please don’t let this destroy you!!

  21. Bonnie Cantrell says

    So sorry for your loss, I went through an early misscarriage as well but I hadn’t had an ultrasound done yet. I still cried so hard because we had been trying for years without anything happening. You can’t blame yourself for this, unfortunately, a lot of pregnancies end on their own before 15 weeks.

  22. Amy says

    You did NOT kill your baby. Miscarriages happen; it’s part of the unfairness in life. I miscarried a baby between my oldest and my youngest. It was also a missed miscarriage, also. It was “easier” than I imagined to get through the pain of the miscarriage because I had a two year old little boy who needed his mom. I still have days where I feel the loss, and it’s been three years. You won’t forget this pain, but I promise you, you’ll heal. Please don’t blame yourself, though. This was not your fault. <3

  23. Raeanne says

    I am so sorry for your loss! I can’t imagine going through that alone. I lost my pregnancy around that time and I didn’t even know I was pregnant. It was in my tubes. I just smile now because I will see that baby one day in heaven. I have my own little angel waiting for me. You do too. Some day you will be smiling just like me knowing that! You did NOT kill your baby. God only knows why he took that little sole to heaven too soon! God Bless You!!!!

  24. says

    Oh Amber, you did NOT kill your baby. Get that thought out of your mind right now! Unfortunately in life, these kinds of things happen. There’s no explaining why or how; they just do. The best thing you can do for yourself is think about your time with this little miracle inside you. How happy him or her made you during those 10 weeks. They came into your life for a reason and while they weren’t meant to stay past 10 weeks, they changed your life for the better!

    While I had different circumstances then you, I too lost a baby at 8 weeks and 5 days. Nearly crushed me. There’s nothing that will ever take the pain away but thankfully you learn to live with it. One day at a time.

    You’re a strong, brave, courageous soul-don’t ever forget that!

  25. Jessica Compton says

    I felt the same way with my miscarriage in 2006. I went to work, and worked my booty off even though I didn’t feel well. I had taken so much time off because of the morning sickness, they were threatening my job if I left, so even though I felt like something was wrong, I convinced myself that I was overreacting and worked 12 hour days, 3 days in a row. The 4th day, I woke up to blood.. was a miscarriage. I blamed myself for years. But let me tell you. It is NOT your fault! It simply wasn’t meant to be. Something wasn’t right. Your hormone levels weren’t right, the growth of the embryo wasn’t right, it wasn’t meant to be. It’s hard, painful, and will take a very long time to recover from. Just try to remember that everything happens for a reason. Nothing anyone says will help you. They can try, but only you can help you feel better. And that takes a lot of work and strong will. You will make it through this. Be strong and carry on. Your future needs you!

  26. Misty Moore Ross says

    I am so sorry for your loss. I know you are in unbearable pain. Please don’t think you killed your baby. That is not the case. Unfortunately these things happen and no one knows why. I pray for peace for you.

  27. Marysa says

    You cannot blame yourself at all. You did not do this.. miscarriage rates are 1 in 4. I’m so sorry to hear you went through this – and at a time in your life when you were alone. Be sure to take care of yourself. Thank you for sharing your story. Thinking of you.

  28. Staci says

    You did NOT kill your baby. There is nothing you did that caused this to happen. I don’t want to tell you not to feel what you’re feeling, I just want you to know there’s a lot of support out here for you.
    You’re a fantastic mother!

  29. says

    Oh honey – you did not kill your baby! You were as strong as you could be and life was just not fair. Hugs to you and know that you are a wonderful mother, a beautiful person and a strong, brave soul! I hope you will be able to see all the wonderful things about yourself and rejoice in the beauty of your son during this hard time!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *