As I approach on 30, I also enter the years where pregnancy is more high risk and harder to achieve. For the past 3 years I have been hoping, trying, praying and yearning to get pregnant with no luck. I have been heartbroken and battled with depression due to infertility. Of all of the hardships I’ve encountered in my life, not being able to have the child I’ve been longing for for so long is the worst.
My boyfriend says this affects him just as much as it does me. I have a hard time believe or accepting that. He has his son (who I love just as much as if I’d given birth to him myself, he is mine in all ways except birth and paper) and has raised him since he was born. He has gotten to endure every miracle that comes along with being a parent – the good and the bad. I honestly can’t see how this affects him as much as me – not saying it has no effect at all however. He has said he’s scared of us having a baby, he thinks I would treat Dameon differently. I can’t imagine a time that I would stop loving this child. I’ve been with him for the past 6 years, and even though I didn’t have him the first 3 years I don’t think I could possibly love him more. I know I have enough love for another child that neither would ever want or go without.
My friends who have had the “pleasure” of going through childbirth and raising their children are like kryptonite to me. I love children, and being around them, but sometimes it just gets so unbearable all I want to do is cry. I find myself wondering what my baby would look like, what it would grow up to be – what dreams it would have – how much it would drive me insane. And it always ends the same; With the realization that I’ll never know – I’ll never have the opportunity. My friends and family say “Don’t say never, it could happen.” But anyone in a similar situation knows that that doesn’t help, no matter how well meaning they are.
The doctors I’ve been to see have all said the same thing “you’re perfectly capable of getting pregnant.” Oh yea, well why haven’t I? Oh, I know. It’s because I have been bleeding for 2 years, can’t ovulate, and you people can’t make it stop. You read that right. I have been bleeding for 2 years (there are days where it isn’t bad bleeding, and even days – maybe every other month – where I will go 2 or 3 days with no bleeding at all, but it always starts back.) I’ve had D&C’s, medicine, change in diet – everything that’s been suggested and nothing has worked, I’m still bleeding. I’m convinced they just want me to keep paying for visits. The problem with this is that I can’t afford it. I can’t afford IVF or adoption. I could barely afford the 3 rounds of Clomid I’ve done.
I’m constantly hiding my disappointment and pain and living my life like nothing is wrong. It still hurts, the pain is still there, and the constant reminder of my infertility is always lingering. I’m holding onto the hope that maybe, just maybe, one day my dream will come true. Thinking about that makes me wonder if that’s what’s holding me back from accepting infertility in it’s entirety. How do I know when I need to just let it go, and when the time comes how do you let it go? How do I walk around with a smile on my face, raise my child, and be what I’m needed to be when I have this huge, empty hole inside my heart? How do you accept the unacceptable?