Infertility – Accepting the Unacceptable

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As I approach on 30, I also enter the years where pregnancy is more high risk and harder to achieve. For the past 3 years I have been hoping, trying, praying and yearning to get pregnant with no luck. I have been heartbroken and battled with depression due to infertility. Of all of the hardships I’ve encountered in my life, not being able to have the child I’ve been longing for for so long is the worst.

My boyfriend says this affects him just as much as it does me. I have a hard time believe or accepting that. He has his son (who I love just as much as if I’d given birth to him myself, he is mine in all ways except birth and paper) and has raised him since he was born. He has gotten to endure every miracle that comes along with being a parent – the good and the bad. I honestly can’t see how this affects him as much as me – not saying it has no effect at all however. He has said he’s scared of us having a baby, he thinks I would treat Dameon differently. I can’t imagine a time that I would stop loving this child. I’ve been with him for the past 6 years, and even though I didn’t have him the first 3 years I don’t think I could possibly love him more. I know I have enough love for another child that neither would ever want or go without.

My friends who have had the “pleasure” of going through childbirth and raising their children are like kryptonite to me. I love children, and being around them, but sometimes it just gets so unbearable all I want to do is cry. I find myself wondering what my baby would look like, what it would grow up to be – what dreams it would have – how much it would drive me insane. And it always ends the same; With the realization that I’ll never know – I’ll never have the opportunity. My friends and family say “Don’t say never, it could happen.” But anyone in a similar situation knows that that doesn’t help, no matter how well meaning they are.

The doctors I’ve been to see have all said the same thing “you’re perfectly capable of getting pregnant.” Oh yea, well why haven’t I? Oh, I know. It’s because I have been bleeding for 2 years, can’t ovulate, and you people can’t make it stop. You read that right. I have been bleeding for 2 years (there are days where it isn’t bad bleeding, and even days – maybe every other month – where I will go 2 or 3 days with no bleeding at all, but it always starts back.) I’ve had D&C’s, medicine, change in diet – everything that’s been suggested and nothing has worked, I’m still bleeding. I’m convinced they just want me to keep paying for visits.  The problem with this is that I can’t afford it. I can’t afford IVF or adoption. I could barely afford the 3 rounds of Clomid I’ve done.

I’m constantly hiding my disappointment and pain and living my life like nothing is wrong. It still hurts, the pain is still there, and the constant reminder of my infertility is always lingering. I’m holding onto the hope that maybe, just maybe, one day my dream will come true. Thinking about that makes me wonder if that’s what’s holding me back from accepting infertility in it’s entirety. How do I know when I need to just let it go, and when the time comes how do you let it go? How do I walk around with a smile on my face, raise my child, and be what I’m needed to be when I have this huge, empty hole inside my heart? How do you accept the unacceptable?

Comments

  1. Wendy @ SuperSaverMama says

    I feel your pain hon. I went through a very similar struggle an know how hard it is. How nobody can understand. How alone you feel. Even other people with fertility issues don’t have the “same” issues and it feels like nobody would ever be able to comprehend how difficult it is. You feel jealous of people who know WHY they’re having the issues they’re having because they can find a way to treat them. I wish I had some magic advice for you, but we all know there is no such thing. Stay strong, I really hope you get the happy ending you imagine.

    In my case, I did finally give up. I couldn’t do it anymore, it was all-consuming and I HAD to move on. I decided to go to medical school to become a reproductive endocrinologist so I could help other people become pregnant, even though I couldn’t afford to do so myself. I quit my job, we sold our house, and moved out of state so I could start school again. I got my BFP two weeks before classes started, apparently moving on was the step I had to take. My medical career is no longer on the radar, but my little monkeys finally are.

    If you ever need to talk, don’t hesitate to contact me. (((hugs)))

  2. says

    It took me six years to get pregnant with my son, and I had to take Clomid to make it happen, Six long years of torment every month. It’s beyond painful. I was severely depressed during those six years, it was just torturous. My doctors were convinced that I was ovulating just fine and there was nothing wrong with me. I took the Clomid that a friend had left over. Yes, I know how wrong that is, but I was desperate and willing to try anything, and miraculously it worked out for me. My heart breaks for you, I know how hard it is. I really hope you can find something that helps make your dream come true.

  3. says

    It took me over 6 years, and a couple miscarriages to get the miracle that is my son. I started trying in my mid 20, but was in my 30’s when I finally had a successful pregnancy. It is a heartbreaking process when it’s that difficult, I feel for you. I hope everything works out for you in the end.

  4. says

    This is very tough to go through. I feel for you – took 3 yrs of trying and testing that said all was normal – yet I wasn’t ovulating on any sort of schedule. I would burst into tears anytime anyone would ask me when I was going to have a baby.

    Eventually it worked out without fertility interventions but I feel like it was a miracle.

    I’m so sorry and I don’t know what to offer you as advice. I one day just kind of mourned it .. went through grieving and just didn’t “try” any more… then that’s when I got pregnant.

  5. says

    I don’t know what else to say but this; there is a greater good for everything that happens to us. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m just saying all this. I feel the same way, exactly the same way as you do but me situation is a bit different from yours. So, I think, on some level, I can understand what you’re going through. God bless.

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